Goodbyes Begin

01-05-09
So I started my first goodbyes today as people are heading back to college. If you think I'm starting to get sad and rethink everything then you obviously don't know me. I'm horrible with goodbyes, I'm horrible with staying in touch. I put the blame on my military upbringing so I'm just use to moving away from people and never speaking to them again but never forgetting them either. I remember all my best friends from pretty much every place I've lived. I may not remember their name but I have some memory with them a birthday party, school moments, something that I always think of when I'm reminded of that place (or my mom goes into one of her many stories of my childhood, I'm under the firm impression that my mother had children for the sheer reasons of helping her out with housework and so she could tell random strangers stories from when they were little). That's how I'm going to view this. Though I doubt I'll forget names any time soon because so many people helped me so much. But I know for the important people I'll see them again and for the others well they won't think of me much anyway so no hurt feelings over there. Speaking of hurt feelings I rarely, if ever say I miss people. My philosophy is if I'm not sleeping with you then I'm not going to miss you. I know you might think thats heartless or whatever but I won't miss my own mom. I just don't long for people in that sort of way. I have the type of personality that I can make new friends pretty easily and I have the type of memory where I just don't forget (see earlier in post). Back in the day it was just because I didn't care really about anybody so thats why I never missed people. Now though I just hope people are happy, that they're busy, that if they're fucking up they're learning, and that they're better off without me. I still have that mindset and you can argue against it or call it “emo” (which will launch me into another discussion) but that's just the way I feel...that's not changing anytime soon. Since I left NC state you know the one person I've missed (besides the obvious) its not Jeff, Julie, or Mike (sorry guys) but Tony for the reason that Tony was up at 3 oclock in the morning when everyone else had gone to bed and I could just stand in the hallway with Tony and discuss the craziest of things. Sometimes it was serious sometimes we were just goofing around but you know in the middle of the night is when I feel the most alone. Usually I just go outside and around this time I'm probably sitting outside no stars usually in nearly complete darkness and just thinking how pretty much everybody is just asleep. Whether their day was shitty or fantastic, whether they're living the life or going through rough times at least now they're asleep their body and the conscious part of their mind is at rest. While me I'm out and about thinking about all the shit I've done wrong and everything I've fucked up and how I don't even deserve to be here. Yeah the middle of the night is the toughest part of my day. But tony not only made it bearable it was almost enjoyable until it was like 5:30-6 in the morning and he's like shit I need to go to bed and then I go outside and the sun is just starting to crack the skyline and I know I've made it another day and I get that tiny sliver of hope that one day I'll be ok...alright this is getting a lot sadder than I intentioned. I'm not done with goodbyes I still don't leave for a couple of weeks so maybe I'll get a bit deeper into it right before I leave until then...two fingers(I mean until 2morow when I post not until I leave).