Setting Up

1-07-2009

So now I have to set up what I can for departure to A&M. I sent my e-mail to my advisor with a few syllabi asking what does and does not count. I emailed the lady in charge of the Engineering Living Learning Community to see if I'm actually part of the group seeing as how everybody in there is a freshmen and i'm.....not. I also e-mailed this guy to make sure I can move in early because there's no way I'm staying in a hotel and then taking all my shit with me to "howdy camp". Whats howdy camp? I'll get into that later I'm sure I'll have lots to write on this subject. Anyway when it comes to money it may not actually be as big of a deal as I though. apparetnly they can cover the rest of my cost of attendance (which is a measley $17,309 for one semester) with a Parent Loan for Undergraduate Students. Even though its doubtful that my mom will get approved for this. Apparently its not her credit thats fucked up its her income-outcome ratio. People just don't believe we can live the way we can with the means we have. Did nobody tell them this is modern day america, its all about living above your means. I guess credit companies dont like it (well i guess they like it they just don't trust it). But yeah even if/when she gets denied then they'll just give me the rest in unsubsidized loans. So thats a huge weight off my shoulder, because I know once I'm at texas A&M for a semester or so than I'll get plenty of scholarships to pay off all these loans.  So yeah step 1 of operationg get the fuck out of north carolina is complete (actually this isn't step 1 step 1 was a long time ago when i first applied ahh whatever you get the point) I feel accomplished so I'm just going to jack it the rest of the day (not literally you dirty minded people....well....maybe a little)....two fingers 

One Week

1-06-09

So its now officially one week before I'm suppose to leave. This is the part where I am suppose to scream (rishuan you should get that). But I'm not. Maybe its because I've been waiting for this for so long. I put Texas University on my SAT when I took it in the 10th grade (I so thought I was a beast because I was the youngest but then I ended up taking it latter part of senior year being the oldest...don't know which way to go though I beasted both times) If you mix and match mine then I got a 2100 and everybody is amazed by this completely stupid system of grading. I'll have to get into that in another blog (Probably when people start getting their college admissions). Anyway back to the point. Its been 4 years since I took my first SAT and there were many many times where I thought I would not get here. The way I actually am getting here is in the worst possible way. If I had m way I would still be in NC at NC State (never thought I would EVER say that) If I was truly smart as everyone claims I am I would be NC A&T getting my education paid for (and then some) while simultaneously being there for my son. But in some crazy mix of events of me being stupid while always tending to my self centered ways I'm going to Texas A&M University in one week. There are many things to be done before I leave.  Most important thing is figuring out about money since I still have no idea how I'm going to afford my first semester at Texas A&M. Theres e-mails to be sent regarding my housing and transfer credit. There's dreadful packing to do. I started my goodbyes yesterday I'll have to finish those up before I leave. So much to do and I'll probably spend most of today just lying here...thinking...about what? wouldn't you like to know. Well you already do just keep reading in the next days and you'll figure out soon enough. 

Goodbyes Begin

01-05-09
So I started my first goodbyes today as people are heading back to college. If you think I'm starting to get sad and rethink everything then you obviously don't know me. I'm horrible with goodbyes, I'm horrible with staying in touch. I put the blame on my military upbringing so I'm just use to moving away from people and never speaking to them again but never forgetting them either. I remember all my best friends from pretty much every place I've lived. I may not remember their name but I have some memory with them a birthday party, school moments, something that I always think of when I'm reminded of that place (or my mom goes into one of her many stories of my childhood, I'm under the firm impression that my mother had children for the sheer reasons of helping her out with housework and so she could tell random strangers stories from when they were little). That's how I'm going to view this. Though I doubt I'll forget names any time soon because so many people helped me so much. But I know for the important people I'll see them again and for the others well they won't think of me much anyway so no hurt feelings over there. Speaking of hurt feelings I rarely, if ever say I miss people. My philosophy is if I'm not sleeping with you then I'm not going to miss you. I know you might think thats heartless or whatever but I won't miss my own mom. I just don't long for people in that sort of way. I have the type of personality that I can make new friends pretty easily and I have the type of memory where I just don't forget (see earlier in post). Back in the day it was just because I didn't care really about anybody so thats why I never missed people. Now though I just hope people are happy, that they're busy, that if they're fucking up they're learning, and that they're better off without me. I still have that mindset and you can argue against it or call it “emo” (which will launch me into another discussion) but that's just the way I feel...that's not changing anytime soon. Since I left NC state you know the one person I've missed (besides the obvious) its not Jeff, Julie, or Mike (sorry guys) but Tony for the reason that Tony was up at 3 oclock in the morning when everyone else had gone to bed and I could just stand in the hallway with Tony and discuss the craziest of things. Sometimes it was serious sometimes we were just goofing around but you know in the middle of the night is when I feel the most alone. Usually I just go outside and around this time I'm probably sitting outside no stars usually in nearly complete darkness and just thinking how pretty much everybody is just asleep. Whether their day was shitty or fantastic, whether they're living the life or going through rough times at least now they're asleep their body and the conscious part of their mind is at rest. While me I'm out and about thinking about all the shit I've done wrong and everything I've fucked up and how I don't even deserve to be here. Yeah the middle of the night is the toughest part of my day. But tony not only made it bearable it was almost enjoyable until it was like 5:30-6 in the morning and he's like shit I need to go to bed and then I go outside and the sun is just starting to crack the skyline and I know I've made it another day and I get that tiny sliver of hope that one day I'll be ok...alright this is getting a lot sadder than I intentioned. I'm not done with goodbyes I still don't leave for a couple of weeks so maybe I'll get a bit deeper into it right before I leave until then...two fingers(I mean until 2morow when I post not until I leave).

Sunday Special

01-04-09
So every sunday a special kind of post will be put up. I'll put up a post that I feel very strongly about Whether that's religion, politics, abortion, or whether oodles and noodles is the greatest invention in the last century. If people are actually reading my blog these are going to be the ones I want the most comments on. I'll do it on sunday because sunday nights is when most people have nothing to do and are randomly facebooking and procrastinating on homework. Obviously since I'm a bum these first couple will not have anything but I really hope for the very few people who do read my blogs, that these will provoke some thought and I don't know, keep us close and talking rather than you updated. 

Target

01-03-09
So today was my last day at Target thank Jehovah...yes I said Jehoavah. I've worked in a variety of places. A casual restaurant, IHOP, an upscale joint, Bravo, a laid back fun restaurant, Texas Roadhouse, a job where you literally just sat there and ran a cash register and watching some cool and some badass little kids. Side note badass is a unique term that when you put it in front the word children or kids it automatically is understood to have a negative connotation but before or after pretty much anything else it has a positive connotation. Thought I'd point that out. Anyway I'm not going to put target at the bottom of my list but it certainly doesn't go at the top. Also let me state that Target will be the last menial job I have. My job was to pull all of the stock of the front of the shelf for better presentation and easier access for the customers. Occasionally I helped people find something they were looking for. Seeing as how I worked over the holidays most of the things people were looking for we were out of. Now I know I'm not a business major but I have to basic theory of supply and demand down I would like to think. Now if demand spikes at a particular time of the year especially an anticipated time of year shouldn't supply also increase. You cannot tell me its a matter of production because this is america in the age of technology we can produce an H-bomb in weeks if not days and you're saying we cannot produce enough wii fits that we're not out EVERYDAY. Enough elmos so moms aren't literally coming to fist fights in toys r us. Enough bakugan (which I still have to have someone explain to me) so that the price doesn't jump 1000% on Ebay. Who does that really help except the already wealthy? I think the stores and the companies and the people would all benefit. So simply overstock during the holidays and then cut back right after (and people will still buy with gift cards and christmas money) and then by march you could go back to normal stocking. I'm sure there are some logistics that I'm oblivious to because my plan just sounds too easy and perfect to actually be able to be to work so if you know of them please let me know if not I'll ask some business or marketing major in the near future. Anyway I'm really tired of just not making any type of difference in the world. Yeah everyone makes a difference with everything they do. Well sorry I actually want a sense of satisfaction when I do something seeing as how I'm coming off feeling like shit for the past 6 months. So sorry delivering food to an asshole business man, sliding a card for some munchies for a high college kid, or pulling those toys to the front of the shelf so some badass kid (there it goes again) can knock it down really doesn't give me a sense of satisfaction. So that's why I've changed my dreams from living the american dream (9-5, family, paid vacation, all that jazz) to doing research in artificial intelligence. Along with the research I'll be teach college kids probably some basic courses in computer science. Though I probably won't make as much money as I would being a software engineer and working my way up the ladder I think this will provide much more satisfaction in my life and I should be able to still have the things I want. But yeah I'm going to do undergraduate research, be an RA, be a tutor anything but work at Mcdonalds or some place. But who knows if money doesn't fall right I may just start selling crack or something (I wonder how much people smoke weed in texas in comparison to NC...I'll have to find out). But yeah now I'm done at target and only 2 weeks until I leave for Texas....yay!!! (ahh whatever)